I’ve been on a mission since my retirement. Actually it began well before last November, but since that time, I’ve had nearly 6 months to figure out who I am. I thought that I was leaving a lot of me behind once I left my radio career.
I was saying goodbye to the Jane who was opinionated and vocal and ballsy. I was tired of always having to have something to say. I looked forward to just ‘being’; speaking how and when I wanted to, instead of on cue.
I spent the last 6 months exploring my interest in the sacred and delving more deeply into the metaphysical. I’m even more convinced that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather, spiritual beings having a human experience. There is so much we don’t know, but if we’re quiet, we can begin to feel it.
I’ve dug around hoping to find that ONE nugget of knowledge/insight/enlightenment that would turn on the giant klieg light of my spirit. I hoped that I would suddenly see all and never have to return to the mundane or the old me.
I’m here to report that I’ve determined that is bullshit. There is no nugget. Perhaps a few very devout or lucky people have stumbled into that highest level of energetic vibration and managed to stay there, but for most of us, it’s a process. I’m not saying this in a cynical or defeated way. I will continue my journey and my practices because I see and feel incremental progress.
Meditation is extremely rewarding to me; I’ve gained a great deal of insight into myself and have felt touched and guided by spirit. I’ve learned to ask for help from my spirit guides and they give it. I’ve felt the presence of dear ones who no longer walk the earth and I’ve let go of some longstanding and heavy psychic and emotional wounds. I’ve learned to drop my burdens much more quickly.
I’ve found a community of like-minded seekers and feel welcomed and at home when we meet. I sat in a Native American sweat lodge (loved it!), I’ve studied astrology, aromatherapy, reiki, crystals, esoteric healing, clairvoyance, tarot, grounding, energy clearing, spirit guides, the angelic realm and a little more about Christianity. It’s all fascinating and is part of the divine and mystical stew that I happily swim in.
But, even though I’ve added all of this to my life, I’m still me. I was weeding my garden today on my hands and knees; so calming and soothing to be outside in the sun, digging into the earth, rhythmically pulling and tossing. I was musing about ordering a t-shirt that I had seen online that said “Namaste Bitches” and it hit me: that is my mission. I am a badass, divine warrior.
I realized that I had begun my spiritual study to calm myself. To tone me down. To turn me into a warm, nurturing, earth motherly person, exuding love and kindness and comfort to all. Those are such worthy goals and aspirations, but it’s not me.
Not even down really, really deep. I’m a truth seeker and a truth teller. I have been since I was old enough to remember. I have to know “why” about everything. I have to dig deeper and deeper into everything. It drives my husband (and before him, my mother and teachers) crazy. I’m like a 5 year old. “But, why????”
There are a lot of wonderful, nurturing people in the world. They feed us physically, emotionally and spiritually, without ever asking why. They are unconditionally kind and compassionate and as much as I want to be that person, I am not. And on behalf of other people who are more like me, I will say THANK YOU to all of those who throw that generosity out into the world. Without you, we’d REALLY be fucked.
I’m a loud mouth who must blurt out what many are thinking, but wouldn’t dare say out loud. I question authority and challenge the status quo. I don’t care if “we’ve always done it that way”. If your argument against gay marriage is seriously that we’ve done it one way for thousands of years, I’m not interested. That is ridiculous to me.
So, while I strive to be kind, compassionate and empathetic (I’m really good at the empathy part), I have to be me. I have to fulfill the remainder of my destiny during my time on earth. My radio career was literally written in the stars. After studying my natal astrological chart with an astrologer, we determined that it was just meant to be. That was my purpose, my destiny, my story and my contract.
Moving forward, I feel that I’m here to prod people to think more; to get in touch with their souls and to open their eyes to the truths of modern life.
We are destroying the earth (ever hear that saying “don’t shit where you eat”? Even animals are smarter than we are), we are a country and a world of, by and for the corporation. Whoever has the most money wins. We are being lied to and poisoned and beaten into submission.
My goal is to open eyes and minds. I thought I could go quietly and sneak off to Nirvana, but I can’t. Scorpio sun, Sagittarius moon with Aquarius rising; impossible to just sit quietly.
So, here we go. Look yourself in the eye and figure out how you want to move forward. I’m happy to raise my fist, in the most compassionate and spiritual way possible, and seek and speak my truth.
Let’s do this. Namaste Bitches!
I just spent a few days with my 94 year-old mother. She has a very nice apartment in a beautiful assisted living facility about 4 hours south of where I live. We’re coming up on the first anniversary of my dad’s death and she is still very sad and very lonely, so my siblings and I do our best to ease her burdens.
For the past couple of months, my mom has been obsessive about her photo albums. She keeps telling us that someone is taking her pictures.
I’ve had this discussion with her at least 20 times, as has my brother who lives about 15 minutes away and sees her several times a week. I always say that I don’t know what’s happening to her pictures and point out that she still has thousands of photos, spanning all of her life and even some from before she was born.
The truth is that over many decades, things get misplaced or we’ve removed a photo here and there for various celebrations and photo compilations. Or maybe one of us just liked a photo and snagged it for our own memory. Who knows, but it’s a frustrating déjà vu every time I arrive, to be grilled as to “who is taking all of my pictures?”
This last trip, she sent me home with a little album of photos from my wedding. This was after she made me promise that I wouldn’t throw them ‘in the trash’. I assured her that I would not. I told her that they mean as much to me as they do to her. But, that wasn’t quite true.
It’s not true because I finally realized that her obsession with the photos isn’t about the photos. It’s about proof that her life was as full and happy as she believes that it was. These volumes of thousands of photos are what she has left of her life. They are photographic evidence that she and my dad had 70+ years of love and happiness and family.
Having spent a fair amount of time around elderly folks over the past few years, I have seen how their lives shrink as their mobility and abilities shrink. At this point, my mom’s life takes place in a two bedroom apartment. The things in that apartment are of paramount importance to her. She is surrounded by what is familiar and that is her only comfort.
The photos are part of that. They represent the time when her world was big and full and juicy. Photos of parents, children, grandchildren, siblings, friends, family, houses, cars, many, many trips and vacations. Photos of people who are long dead and photos of grandchildren, who now have their own children. She looks through the albums and admits to me that she can’t remember many of the names that go with the hundreds of faces. She often can’t remember ‘which kid belonged to which other kid’.
But, she knows that these people were in her life at some point in the past 94 years. She sees photos of my smiling and handsome Dad and is assured that they were happy and loving and that he really was by her side, as her partner, for 72 years.
We all need this reassurance. That we matter. That we loved and were loved. That we’re here for a reason and that when we’re gone, someone will remember.
Friday is the Spring Equinox. A time for saying goodbye to things that are weighing you down; for leaving behind the things that aren’t working in your life. Make a list of those items and burn them, preferably Friday. And then move on. I sat down and wrote this in my journal this morning, so it’s kind of stream of consciousness:
Today is the day that I am letting go of my burdens. I’ve been carrying around my sadness and loss like a huge backpack of rocks for a long time. It has weighed me down; I gained about 20 pounds and let my body go to hell carrying this junk with me. No more. I’m moving toward freedom, light, joy, renewal and all of the good stuff. Enough is enough.
I’m an optimist. I know that things work out for the best. Yes, there is a lot of pain in the world; so much suffering and some of it by people that I love, but I cannot absorb that and allow it to ruin me. I have to rise above it, see the good and the beautiful. I need more music and movement and nature and sunshine and beaches and water and walks. I want to learn to play the guitar.
I’m going to slowly let go and shut down my Jane London Facebook page. That is no longer me; I no longer need that affirmation and adoration. I will write my blog and hope that it resonates, but I won’t be obsessed with views and comments and pats on the back. It’s a beautiful thing to connect and help others. I love that people compliment my writing and I hope that I get better and keep writing, but I have to focus on what’s in front of me.
I’ve spent more time on the feelings and lives of people I barely know than on my own household. My husband is neglected and needs me. My mom needs me and I need to re-connect with my siblings in a way that isn’t about just grief and caring for my mom.
So, this is the way forward. Leave the old ways that were not working and were conspiring against my growth and happiness and freedom. In the end, I will die. Will all of the things I worried and obsessed about really matter? Some will, but most will not. I guess it could be argued that none will matter.
I will die and turn into pure energy and love. Why not try and do that while I’m here? We all have that potential, but modern life conspires to keep us burdened and scared and confined. Not me. I’ve done all of that. Freedom. Letting go. Let’s do this.