Present Tense

Wherever you go, there you are…

good evilThe old sports cliché is “it’s a game of inches”. If you think about it, that applies to pretty much everything, doesn’t it? Our lives are a game of inches, or seconds. We never know when we’ll be in the wrong place at the wrong time or more happily, the right place at the right time.

My husband is currently obsessed with the randomness of life. Apparently all of the yammering and musing that I’ve done on this very subject has sunk into his skull. He had an irritating example of this last week, when a guy ran into him head-on as he was out running errands. Nobody was hurt and it was the other guy’s fault (THANK YOU!).

We both bitched about the bad luck and the annoyance of having to file a claim, get an estimate, blah, blah, blah. But, the interesting discussion happened when my husband realized that had he just slightly altered his journey, this would never have happened. If he’d asked one more question at the mower repair place; or one less question. If he’d taken another route home that he had considered.

On the other hand, I pointed out that had he done any of those things, he may have been in a worse accident. We just never know. Who’s to say what’s good or bad/right or wrong?  Life is random and all of the planning in the world cannot foresee what’s just around the corner.

And then yesterday, we were coming home from the store. Before I turned down our long driveway, I stopped to check our mailbox by the road. As I walked back to the car, an older man was driving out of the cemetery in front of our 10 acre farm. He stopped and asked me if we lived behind it, as his dog had just run off while they were visiting his parents’ graves. I told him to follow me back to our place and we’d look around.

We pulled up toward the garage and didn’t see a stray dog and as I was getting his phone number, I glanced out toward our orchard and there she was, galloping through the trees. A loud whistle and Lucky was back in her owner’s truck. Kismet. Random. Right place, right time. We were that old gentleman’s angels.  Had I not stopped to check the mail, our paths would not have crossed.

These are the things we must notice; random moments of tragedy and grace that are delivered to us every single day. I’m honestly thrilled that these lessons appeared in quick succession this week, as I’ve been trying to articulate to my husband that we have to be less cautious and more open to events, both good and bad.

We are both planners, but he plans for the worst, where I often visualize the results that I would like to occur, although I do get caught up in fear-based visions. I am not sure if my visualizations are optimism or intuition, but things usually go my way. I’m starting to think that it’s often my gut showing me a path forward, but that’s another post.

Grasping the concept that we sort of have to just hang on for the ride can be terrifying and/or freeing and empowering, but that is up to us. Life is so random and I know that every one of you is struggling with that right now, whether you’re grieving a terrible loss or struggling with “what if” or just wishing you knew what will happen in the next 5 years or 5 minutes, for that matter.

You can’t. None of us can. But that doesn’t mean we stop being responsible or laying groundwork for paying for your kid’s education or saving for retirement or losing the weight and taking care of your health.

We do have to throw up our hands to fate, but we don’t have to give up. There is a difference. Flexibility is key and we need to be grateful for the opportunities we’re given to be in the right place at the right time. Start paying attention to these little events. Thoughts are things.

Last night after dinner, my husband looked at me and said, “I’m really glad that we helped that man find his dog”. “Me, too”, I replied.

Grace.

May 24, 2015 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

I’m just not that nice….

2001red-w484h484z1-31928-namaste-bitchesI’ve been on a mission since my retirement. Actually it began well before last November, but since that time, I’ve had nearly 6 months to figure out who I am. I thought that I was leaving a lot of me behind once I left my radio career.

I was saying goodbye to the Jane who was opinionated and vocal and ballsy. I was tired of always having to have something to say. I looked forward to just ‘being’; speaking how and when I wanted to, instead of on cue.

I spent the last 6 months exploring my interest in the sacred and delving more deeply into the metaphysical. I’m even more convinced that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather, spiritual beings having a human experience. There is so much we don’t know, but if we’re quiet, we can begin to feel it.

I’ve dug around hoping to find that ONE nugget of knowledge/insight/enlightenment that would turn on the giant klieg light of my spirit. I hoped that I would suddenly see all and never have to return to the mundane or the old me.

I’m here to report that I’ve determined that is bullshit. There is no nugget. Perhaps a few very devout or lucky people have stumbled into that highest level of energetic vibration and managed to stay there, but for most of us, it’s a process. I’m not saying this in a cynical or defeated way. I will continue my journey and my practices because I see and feel incremental progress.

Meditation is extremely rewarding to me; I’ve gained a great deal of insight into myself and have felt touched and guided by spirit. I’ve learned to ask for help from my spirit guides and they give it. I’ve felt the presence of dear ones who no longer walk the earth and I’ve let go of some longstanding and heavy psychic and emotional wounds. I’ve learned to drop my burdens much more quickly.

I’ve found a community of like-minded seekers and feel welcomed and at home when we meet. I sat in a Native American sweat lodge (loved it!), I’ve studied astrology, aromatherapy, reiki, crystals, esoteric healing, clairvoyance, tarot, grounding, energy clearing, spirit guides, the angelic realm and a little more about Christianity. It’s all fascinating and is part of the divine and mystical stew that I happily swim in.

But, even though I’ve added all of this to my life, I’m still me. I was weeding my garden today on my hands and knees; so calming and soothing to be outside in the sun, digging into the earth, rhythmically pulling and tossing. I was musing about ordering a t-shirt that I had seen online that said “Namaste Bitches” and it hit me: that is my mission. I am a badass, divine warrior.

I realized that I had begun my spiritual study to calm myself. To tone me down. To turn me into a warm, nurturing, earth motherly person, exuding love and kindness and comfort to all. Those are such worthy goals and aspirations, but it’s not me.

Not even down really, really deep. I’m a truth seeker and a truth teller. I have been since I was old enough to remember. I have to know “why” about everything. I have to dig deeper and deeper into everything. It drives my husband (and before him, my mother and teachers) crazy. I’m like a 5 year old. “But, why????”

There are a lot of wonderful, nurturing people in the world. They feed us physically, emotionally and spiritually, without ever asking why. They are unconditionally kind and compassionate and as much as I want to be that person, I am not. And on behalf of other people who are more like me, I will say THANK YOU to all of those who throw that generosity out into the world. Without you, we’d REALLY be fucked.

I’m a loud mouth who must blurt out what many are thinking, but wouldn’t dare say out loud. I question authority and challenge the status quo. I don’t care if “we’ve always done it that way”. If your argument against gay marriage is seriously that we’ve done it one way for thousands of years, I’m not interested. That is ridiculous to me.

So, while I strive to be kind, compassionate and empathetic (I’m really good at the empathy part), I have to be me. I have to fulfill the remainder of my destiny during my time on earth. My radio career was literally written in the stars. After studying my natal astrological chart with an astrologer, we determined that it was just meant to be. That was my purpose, my destiny, my story and my contract.

Moving forward, I feel that I’m here to prod people to think more; to get in touch with their souls and to open their eyes to the truths of modern life.

We are destroying the earth (ever hear that saying “don’t shit where you eat”? Even animals are smarter than we are), we are a country and a world of, by and for the corporation. Whoever has the most money wins. We are being lied to and poisoned and beaten into submission.

My goal is to open eyes and minds. I thought I could go quietly and sneak off to Nirvana, but I can’t. Scorpio sun, Sagittarius moon with Aquarius rising; impossible to just sit quietly.

So, here we go. Look yourself in the eye and figure out how you want to move forward. I’m happy to raise my fist, in the most compassionate and spiritual way possible, and seek and speak my truth.

Let’s do this. Namaste Bitches!

May 15, 2015 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

A New Earth is Happening

Image converted using ifftoanyI went to a class yesterday called “The Art of the Seer”, designed to help you develop your innate intuition or clairvoyance; in other words to open up your pathways to spirit.

I loved it. I felt so at home. The woman who taught it was fascinating and the energy in the room was so interesting. When I meditate in a group, it’s calming, relaxing and deeper than what I feel when I’m alone. It’s the same feeling that I get when I go to a church.

I think there is something to that. It’s very tribal and visceral and necessary for us to gather in groups for positive aims. Not to gather in anger; we have so many opportunities to vent and express and simmer in anger. We need the more spiritual gatherings, where we express our hearts in reverence and gratitude.

This is what I felt yesterday; a group of people who understand or are trying to understand and channel the Divine for themselves and for the benefit of others. People who have probably been made fun of or looked at with suspicion; they were probably told that they ‘just want attention’ and so they make up all of this spirit and intuition stuff.  Some in the group have very vivid visions and experiences. Some of them admitted that ‘knowing and seeing so much’ is exhausting and they often wish they could just turn it off.

Nearly every spiritual teacher that I’ve read or listened to in the past 4-5 years has said that we are entering a new era of human spiritual enlightenment. That it’s time to begin to swing away from aggression and violence and swing toward awakening to our humanity. To recognize what the ancients knew and could teach us if we would open our minds and listen; that we are all connected. A swing from the masculine toward the divine feminine. From warriors to nurturers.

Many of these teachers are scientists, doctors, PhDs. They aren’t some monk who stepped out of a cave. Not that a monk who just stepped out of a cave isn’t full of wisdom. My point is that it’s becoming mainstream because the world’s consciousness is shifting. Thank GOD.

Don’t you feel a little tingle when you envision that? Don’t you feel that it’s really happening? Deep down? Many of you have sensed this shift. You’re exhausted and disheartened by all of the anger, violence and aggression that you feel either personally or that you see happening around the world.

The key is that when something happens on the other side of the world, we feel it. We can’t help it. We are all connected via energy. That’s the beauty and the extreme danger of the internet and social media. Evil forces or bad/negative energy invade our spirit via our devices. Things that we would NEVER have even known about 20 years ago, now bombard us every minute. That takes a toll on our collective psyche. And it seeps into us.

On the other hand, we see many, many positive and love-inducing images on those same devices. We can make a choice to ‘go to the light’ and try to avoid the icky stuff. Why do we all love baby goats, kittens, cute puppies, babies, videos of human kindness? We need that feeling of being connected to our fellow earthlings via love. The anger is easy right now; choose love.

Back to our big, cosmic shift that is happening. Many of you are curious to explore your mystical, metaphysical or spiritual side, but for some reason, you’ve resisted. It’s weird or your family (tribe) thinks it’s weird or it’s blasphemous or whatever. Put that aside. Start exploring. Follow the nudges from your soul. Hang out in a metaphysical bookstore, go to a class or a meeting that intrigues you. Start reading. We need as many love/connectedness/awakened/divine feminine warriors as we can muster.

We’re tired of anger, of rants, of bigotry, of hatred, of victims, of negativity, of trashing the earth, of being disconnected to the earth. We need love, nature, compassion, empathy. We need to gather with like-minded, loving, open people to help begin this shift in consciousness. It’s begun. You can either get on the train or watch it pass you by.

The world needs you.

March 29, 2015 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Who’s stealing the photos?

familyI just spent a few days with my 94 year-old mother. She has a very nice apartment in a beautiful assisted living facility about 4 hours south of where I live. We’re coming up on the first anniversary of my dad’s death and she is still very sad and very lonely, so my siblings and I do our best to ease her burdens.

For the past couple of months, my mom has been obsessive about her photo albums. She keeps telling us that someone is taking her pictures.

I’ve had this discussion with her at least 20 times, as has my brother who lives about 15 minutes away and sees her several times a week. I always say that I don’t know what’s happening to her pictures and point out that she still has thousands of photos, spanning all of her life and even some from before she was born.

The truth is that over many decades, things get misplaced or we’ve removed a photo here and there for various  celebrations and photo compilations. Or maybe one of us just liked a photo and snagged it for our own memory. Who knows, but it’s a frustrating déjà vu every time I arrive, to be grilled as to “who is taking all of my pictures?”

This last trip, she sent me home with a little album of photos from my wedding. This was after she made me promise that I wouldn’t throw them ‘in the trash’. I assured her that I would not. I told her that they mean as much to me as they do to her. But, that wasn’t quite true.

It’s not true because I finally realized that her obsession with the photos isn’t about the photos. It’s about proof that her life was as full and happy as she believes that it was. These volumes of thousands of photos are what she has left of her life. They are photographic evidence that she and my dad had 70+ years of love and happiness and family.

Having spent a fair amount of time around elderly folks over the past few years, I have seen how their lives shrink as their mobility and abilities shrink. At this point, my mom’s life takes place in a two bedroom apartment. The things in that apartment are of paramount importance to her. She is surrounded by what is familiar and that is her only comfort.

The photos are part of that. They represent the time when her world was big and full and juicy. Photos of parents, children, grandchildren, siblings, friends, family, houses, cars, many, many trips and vacations. Photos of people who are long dead and photos of grandchildren, who now have their own children. She looks through the albums and admits to me that she can’t remember many of the names that go with the hundreds of faces. She often can’t remember ‘which kid belonged to which other kid’.

But, she knows that these people were in her life at some point in the past 94 years. She sees photos of my smiling and handsome Dad and is assured that they were happy and loving and that he really was by her side, as her partner, for 72 years.

We all need this reassurance. That we matter. That we loved and were loved. That we’re here for a reason and that when we’re gone, someone will remember.

March 22, 2015 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , | 15 Comments

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