Present Tense

For Control Freaks Only!!!!

I find myself in an extremely uncomfortable place.  Maybe you’ve visited this place and you find it as confining and anxiety-producing as I do. Maybe you’re one of those fully evolved folks who thrive in the place known as “transition”.

I long for it, but when I’m in the middle of it, I hate it.  It’s not that I don’t like change; it’s more about  how I loathe and despise uncertainty.  I’m all for change and transition, as long as it happens quickly and on my (very fast) time frame.

We all know that life doesn’t work like that does it?  Time and events tend to take their sweet time to unfold, except when they don’t.

For instance, anyone who has lost a job has felt that moment when the floor seems to drop out from under you.  I’ve certainly been fired enough to have imprinted that feeling of sheer panic when you realize that you’re floating in space with no paycheck.  Once the shock wears off, you sometimes realize that maybe it’s for the best; you really weren’t thriving in that position anyway.  Here’s the problem: people who might want to hire you are on a whole different time table than you are. You need a job NOW and they rarely offer one that quickly, if at all.  That feeling sucks, doesn’t it?

My husband is very good at only thinking about the present.  He doesn’t really give a whole lot of time and attention to what’s around the corner.  He figures he’ll deal with it when it happens. Because he is healthy and normal and methodical, whereas I am tied in knots about ‘what ifs’.  It’s my need and compulsion to control every situation.  If I think it all through and plan every detail, nothing can go ‘wrong’, right?

Experience has shown me that time after time after time, this is complete bullshit; that the old axiom “the best laid plans…often go awry” is the real golden rule.  The minute you think you’ve covered every base, buttoned every button, crossed every t and dotted every i, the world blows up.

Yet, I still slog forward; worrying, planning, analyzing, pushing, living 20 minutes in the future.  It’s exhausting, isn’t it fellow control freaks?

I thought I had this under control for a year or so, but old habits die hard and being the planner and analyzer-in-chief, I have decided that my meditation practice must be re-started.  I need to leave the cell phone on the counter and spend a little more time enjoying the present.  I need to savor my current life, rather than jumping ahead, mentally and emotionally to my future life.

So, here is my ‘plan’ for today:  a long walk to savor the beauty of autumn in the mountains; bluebird skies, golden aspens, crisp morning air and nothing else.  No thinking ahead, no ‘what ifs’; only now.  Think I can do it?  You try…..

September 30, 2012 Posted by | Musings | 8 Comments


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