Present Tense

On dying….

Sat down to write in my joucandle-with-flame-1rnal this morning and this came out.  Stream of consciousness and I figured I would go ahead and post it.  Raw form. No edits.

I had a reiki session yesterday as I’ve been feeling sooooo low.  Not as bad as a week or so ago, but just full of dark sludge.  My 96 year-old Mom is not doing well and when I say that, it’s more of an energetic thing than a physical one.

My visits with her are beautiful and tragic and necessary.  My reiki goddess, Charlotte had very good advice when she said to just ‘be with her’.  I don’t have to ‘do’ anything; maybe that’s my job.  To bring her along toward death and acceptance and letting go of this physical plane.

Some of the things that have happened over the past few weeks show me that I’m supposed to be there in these situations.  To be there when she falls, is scared and confused and as Anne Lamott says, to simply ‘bring her a glass of water’.  I can’t change her situation, I can’t turn the clock back or forward, I can only wait with her for the day when she transitions to spirit.

This is very hard for me.  I’m an action person.  A deep thinker, but also driven to do something, to initiate movement of some sort and in this situation, that is just not possible or productive or kind.  Her spirit is leaking out, as is her life force and I can only sit with her, offering comfort and love and security.

Dying is a profound act.  From the beginning of time, humans have feared it, wondered about it, attempted to explain it, run from it, denied it and ultimately we must accept it.  I have accepted that I will lose her and since she has told me many times that she has been here long enough, I welcome the end of her life in this physical incarnation.

There was a time when I was absolutely paralyzed with the fear of losing my parents. I’ve written about it and I discussed it with a counselor.  Over the past 3 years, I’ve been in an intense and instructive death lesson, having lost two dogs, my dad and a dear friend.  This got my attention.

And though I’m still pissed off at their passing; that I can’t hold them, call them, consult them or just know they are sharing my earth space, I have been able to formulate a spiritual knowing that death is not the end.

I firmly believe that we live on as spirit and that the moment that we leave this physical body, will free us and expand us and turn us into pure light and love.  That knowledge has erased much of my fear around my own death and has greatly helped me deal with and process the many and inevitable losses that come with being human.

So, death and dying confront us all.  At some point, we all take that final breath and our ancestors will appear to lead us back to our pure essence; our authentic spirit and soul self.

My job now is to hold my mom’s hand until she lets go.  And that is enough.

December 6, 2016 - Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , , ,


  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Jane. As one who has lost both of her parents over 30 years ago and who works with people who are toward the end of their lives, I think you have grasped a lot of wisdom which some people never really understand. Just being there is enough. Sharing your heart quietly with your mom as she has done with you all her life is good. Touch is powerful. Hold her hand, stroke her hair. She knows you are there. I,too, believe that our souls will go on and be in a better place. Sometimes it is also important to let your loved one know that it is ok to let go. You will know what to do, Jane. Wishing you peace.

    Comment by Kathy Graybill | December 6, 2016 | Reply

    • These thoughts are beautiful and so profound. Thank you for sharing your hearts.

      Comment by Lori | December 6, 2016 | Reply

  2. I really needed this today, Jane. I lost my younger brother 7 years ago and I still struggle with it. Today, I looked heavenward and just asked him to “be with me” as I work through a difficult personal situation. I felt his spriti and that was comforting…

    Comment by Cori Jackamore | December 6, 2016 | Reply

    • Cori
      It never leaves us, that grief. So glad you can feel his presence. Take care.

      Comment by janelondon | December 6, 2016 | Reply

  3. This is beautiful. It’s the hardest thing to go through. But I must say, being with each of my parents when they died and leading up to their deaths were the most important times of my life, and I am profoundly grateful. I feel a connection; a completion; a purpose for my life as it relates to theirs. I wish you well and peace to you and your mom.

    Comment by Francesca Amari | December 6, 2016 | Reply

  4. My parents path are leading toward the end, both at different places on that path and that seems to be the thing that is bothering my dad the most. “I hope mom goes before I do”. Mom, living with dementia and often lost and confused. Dad wanting to make sure she is ok before he takes his own journey. Physical bodies breaking down, tired of being sick and tired. This is very hard to watch but I know I need to be there whenever possible. I want to be there and know that it is appreciated. Conversations that you hoped you would never have to have, but now know are necessary. Maturity, growth sometimes happens the most in the eye of a storm.

    Comment by Tim Lankerd | December 8, 2016 | Reply

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