Present Tense

On dying….

Sat down to write in my joucandle-with-flame-1rnal this morning and this came out.  Stream of consciousness and I figured I would go ahead and post it.  Raw form. No edits.

I had a reiki session yesterday as I’ve been feeling sooooo low.  Not as bad as a week or so ago, but just full of dark sludge.  My 96 year-old Mom is not doing well and when I say that, it’s more of an energetic thing than a physical one.

My visits with her are beautiful and tragic and necessary.  My reiki goddess, Charlotte had very good advice when she said to just ‘be with her’.  I don’t have to ‘do’ anything; maybe that’s my job.  To bring her along toward death and acceptance and letting go of this physical plane.

Some of the things that have happened over the past few weeks show me that I’m supposed to be there in these situations.  To be there when she falls, is scared and confused and as Anne Lamott says, to simply ‘bring her a glass of water’.  I can’t change her situation, I can’t turn the clock back or forward, I can only wait with her for the day when she transitions to spirit.

This is very hard for me.  I’m an action person.  A deep thinker, but also driven to do something, to initiate movement of some sort and in this situation, that is just not possible or productive or kind.  Her spirit is leaking out, as is her life force and I can only sit with her, offering comfort and love and security.

Dying is a profound act.  From the beginning of time, humans have feared it, wondered about it, attempted to explain it, run from it, denied it and ultimately we must accept it.  I have accepted that I will lose her and since she has told me many times that she has been here long enough, I welcome the end of her life in this physical incarnation.

There was a time when I was absolutely paralyzed with the fear of losing my parents. I’ve written about it and I discussed it with a counselor.  Over the past 3 years, I’ve been in an intense and instructive death lesson, having lost two dogs, my dad and a dear friend.  This got my attention.

And though I’m still pissed off at their passing; that I can’t hold them, call them, consult them or just know they are sharing my earth space, I have been able to formulate a spiritual knowing that death is not the end.

I firmly believe that we live on as spirit and that the moment that we leave this physical body, will free us and expand us and turn us into pure light and love.  That knowledge has erased much of my fear around my own death and has greatly helped me deal with and process the many and inevitable losses that come with being human.

So, death and dying confront us all.  At some point, we all take that final breath and our ancestors will appear to lead us back to our pure essence; our authentic spirit and soul self.

My job now is to hold my mom’s hand until she lets go.  And that is enough.

December 6, 2016 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Who’s happy? Me

I’m told that the best blogs are short and to the point.  So, as I was sitting outside on a glorious northern Michigan day, I began to list the things that make me happy.

I don’t do that often.  I tend to ruminate on the things that make me unhappy or worried or nervous or anxious.  You know; stuff that will never happen.

So, when I mentally noted that hummingbirds make me blissfully happy, my list began.  Here is an incomplete list of the things that make me happy:


–Big, old trees

–Watching my dogs swim (this would actually be under the “things that delight me” category)

–A light breeze

–Anything written by Anne Lamott

–Sun on my face

–Early Saturday mornings

–Sitting around a fire

–Eating something that is freshly picked


–The first snowfall (actually almost any snowfall)

–Fleece…anything made of fleece

–My husband’s laugh

–Christmas lights.  Lots of them.

–A fresh coat of paint

–Seat warmers

–Completing a task

–A hug from someone that you’ve really, really missed

I feel better. Uplifted, renewed, refreshed, grateful, content.  Now, make yours.  It doesn’t have to be exhaustive or noble or a list of what you think should make you happy.  Be genuine.  Feel free to share in the comments.

August 16, 2013 Posted by | Musings | , , , , , , | 12 Comments


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