Time for the grief to go

I made a conscious intention a couple of days ago to let go of my grief.

There has been so much over the last 3 years, culminating in my mom’s death in December.  When we suffer profound loss, we tend to revisit it for a period of time afterwards.  Sometimes, for the rest of our lives.

I started wondering why?  Why do I keep bringing back these feelings of pain and sadness, not only in my mind, but in my body.  I can feel the pain as if it were happening all over again.  It’s like picking at a wound that has scabbed over, only to make it bleed again and again and again.

How can it heal, when it is re-opened?

I realized that part of it was guilt. Guilt that if I don’t keep thinking about these deaths, that I’m not properly honoring them.  A belief that I need to remind myself of their loss and their absence on this physical plane.  That I can’t talk to them or hug them or apologize or encourage.  And I feel guilty that their absence also gives me a certain freedom. Especially from parental and family expectations and obligations.

Another part was fear. Fear that if I don’t revisit and remember, that they will fade from my memory as if they were never here.  Fear that I will forget how profoundly they affected me and how fiercely I loved them and they loved me.  Especially with the dogs, since I have other dogs now.  It becomes difficult to keep the dead ones in my consciousness; they all start to meld together.

So, I’ve been picking the scab; often in the quiet of  middle of the night.  I would wake up and remember.  They are gone.  Then move on to the day they died and the circumstances of their deaths and then I felt it all over again.  Almost as if it were happening in that moment.  And it felt terrible, but I rationalized it by telling myself that I have to keep their memory alive.  I have to feel that pain.

No more.  That scab has to heal. No more picking.  No more bleeding.  It will most certainly leave a scar.  But, scars don’t bleed and we often display them with the stories of how we got them. Usually, with a smile because we know that we survived and no matter how awful the wound, we did heal to a certain extent.  We healed enough to tell the tale of that scar.

I’ve shifted over to positive memories.  Funny, joyful, instructive, emotional, happy, silly and yes, sometimes sad or challenging memories.  A well-rounded remembrance of our lives.

So, that’s where I am.  Healing.  Isn’t that where we all are?  Everyday?  One wound may still be fresh, while others have scabbed over and many are well earned scars.  This is our life on planet earth. It hurts, but we get another day to make a life…and then another and another and another.

Allowing my grief to move into a new stage involved a release and an emptying that leaves me open and ready to what is coming.  It’s been a long process, with so many losses piled on top of one another in a fairly short time.  I’d never really had to deal with death in such an intimate way until 3 years ago and I was ill prepared.  A very steep learning curve that culminated in the honor of seeing, hearing and feeling my mom’s last breath.

But, it’s okay.  Lives end. They begin.  And what we do in between is what matters to humanity.  Make a decision to heal your wounds.  Ask for help, seek out tools and practices.  Don’t keep making yourself bleed over and over.  We have an innate ability to heal physically that is so apparent.  What may not be as apparent is our innate ability to heal our spirits as well.  The first step is intention.

I wish you well.  Feel free to reach out.

A New Earth is Happening

I went to a class yesterday called “The Art of the Seer”, designed to help you develop your innate intuition or clairvoyance; in other words to open up your pathways to spirit.

I loved it. I felt so at home. The woman who taught it was fascinating and the energy in the room was so interesting. When I meditate in a group, it’s calming, relaxing and deeper than what I feel when I’m alone. It’s the same feeling that I get when I go to a church.

I think there is something to that. It’s very tribal and visceral and necessary for us to gather in groups for positive aims. Not to gather in anger; we have so many opportunities to vent and express and simmer in anger. We need the more spiritual gatherings, where we express our hearts in reverence and gratitude.

This is what I felt yesterday; a group of people who understand or are trying to understand and channel the Divine for themselves and for the benefit of others. People who have probably been made fun of or looked at with suspicion; they were probably told that they ‘just want attention’ and so they make up all of this spirit and intuition stuff.  Some in the group have very vivid visions and experiences. Some of them admitted that ‘knowing and seeing so much’ is exhausting and they often wish they could just turn it off.

Nearly every spiritual teacher that I’ve read or listened to in the past 4-5 years has said that we are entering a new era of human spiritual enlightenment. That it’s time to begin to swing away from aggression and violence and swing toward awakening to our humanity. To recognize what the ancients knew and could teach us if we would open our minds and listen; that we are all connected. A swing from the masculine toward the divine feminine. From warriors to nurturers.

Many of these teachers are scientists, doctors, PhDs. They aren’t some monk who stepped out of a cave. Not that a monk who just stepped out of a cave isn’t full of wisdom. My point is that it’s becoming mainstream because the world’s consciousness is shifting. Thank GOD.

Don’t you feel a little tingle when you envision that? Don’t you feel that it’s really happening? Deep down? Many of you have sensed this shift. You’re exhausted and disheartened by all of the anger, violence and aggression that you feel either personally or that you see happening around the world.

The key is that when something happens on the other side of the world, we feel it. We can’t help it. We are all connected via energy. That’s the beauty and the extreme danger of the internet and social media. Evil forces or bad/negative energy invade our spirit via our devices. Things that we would NEVER have even known about 20 years ago, now bombard us every minute. That takes a toll on our collective psyche. And it seeps into us.

On the other hand, we see many, many positive and love-inducing images on those same devices. We can make a choice to ‘go to the light’ and try to avoid the icky stuff. Why do we all love baby goats, kittens, cute puppies, babies, videos of human kindness? We need that feeling of being connected to our fellow earthlings via love. The anger is easy right now; choose love.

Back to our big, cosmic shift that is happening. Many of you are curious to explore your mystical, metaphysical or spiritual side, but for some reason, you’ve resisted. It’s weird or your family (tribe) thinks it’s weird or it’s blasphemous or whatever. Put that aside. Start exploring. Follow the nudges from your soul. Hang out in a metaphysical bookstore, go to a class or a meeting that intrigues you. Start reading. We need as many love/connectedness/awakened/divine feminine warriors as we can muster.

We’re tired of anger, of rants, of bigotry, of hatred, of victims, of negativity, of trashing the earth, of being disconnected to the earth. We need love, nature, compassion, empathy. We need to gather with like-minded, loving, open people to help begin this shift in consciousness. It’s begun. You can either get on the train or watch it pass you by.

The world needs you.