Both Things Can Be True…

Everyone is fighting.  So much frustration, conflict, self righteousness.

My husband is reading “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama, and since I’ve dabbled a bit in Buddhism, he asked me yesterday, how can we just float along, with rainbows and unicorns? Being ever kind and tolerant and understanding. Doesn’t that make us zombies?

His point is valid. NOTHING is solved or altered or mitigated without recognizing discomfort, injustice, danger, etc. Innovation and creativity are nearly always preceded by destruction or disruption. If we ignore those things, how do we grow?

That is where “the Middle Way” comes into play. A key principle of Buddhism and a very difficult path to walk.

It’s a variation of my current mantra “Both things can be true”. The recognition that everything is not a binary choice; we don’t have to pick between A and B. There is always a middle ground, a middle way. Something that takes A and B into account and melds them as both being valid or both being invalid, I suppose.

So much right now, tries to force us into these binary choices.

For or against science. For or against one party or the other. For or against masks.

There IS a middle way. We can recognize that science is fluid and contextual. We can recognize that masks are definitely useful in many cases, but not all. We can recognize that parties have differing philosophies and look for areas where we might have a glimmer of agreement.

The Middle Way recognizes that life is both upsetting and glorious. “10,000 joys, 10,000 sorrows”. We have to always look to both sides of the path for truths and have the intellectual and emotional maturity to not ALWAYS choose sides.

Our entire society and in particular much of media and social media is designed to force us to choose one side or the other. It’s ALL about binary choices and that’s why we are feeling so epically divided and confused.

We run most everything through our political filters now. Meaning that we give up OUR authority to make decisions and value judgements. We turn it over to politicians, pundits, media outlets, websites, ‘opinion makers’, etc. And we are in denial of these influences.  We KNOW we are right and we can post the link to an article to PROVE IT.

So, yes, as mature grown-ass adults, we have to listen to our internal guides, compass, ethics, values. We have to consciously be empathetic, compassionate, open to other perspectives. If we do that, we can begin to mitigate some of our fear and anger that is in the driver’s seat.

Both things can be true. The Middle Way.

 

Both Things Can Be True

Something to keep in mind as we try to navigate these confusing times:

Both things can be true

We tend toward binary arguments, decisions and opinions.  We take one side or the other and keep repeating our narratives and talking points, while the other person does the same.

We fight a battle of internet links where we throw them at each other like like spitballs that never land on either side. Hell, we don’t even read the links that we spew at others. “The headline looks like they might agree with me, so what the hell….”

Every opinion or narrative that we believe and the opposing ones, have truth in them.

For instance, I condemn the destruction and violence that’s cropped up during the recent protests. I really do, however, I don’t compare destruction of property with loss of life.

Loss of livelihood does not compare with loss of life.

So, I am devastated by the violence, but I’m also devastated by the video of George Floyd being murdered.

I’m devastated by the destruction to people’s livelihoods, but I’m all for large protests. Both things can be true.

I believe that police are a vital component in a functioning society, while also believing that excessive force that disproportionately affects black communities must be reformed and fixed. Both things can be true.

Use this with EVERY argument. It holds. It involves asking questions; of yourself and the person/idealology that you think you disagree with.

We must think critically now, because there is SO MUCH misinformation, censorship and manipulation combined with heightened emotion. It’s like the fog of war and it’s dangerous if we don’t question everything and try to get at all sides of a situation.

Just like with Covid, the initial ‘reports’ are evolving as more facts and data come out. Our job as citizens and as moral/ethical human beings, is to think, ask questions and take a few beats before we automatically place blame or take sides or dig in, refusing to learn.

Truth is fluid. Truth is often in the eye of the beholder based on life experiences, what media we consume, etc.

Both things can be true…make it your mantra. We need everyone to think clearly and rationally now and that is really the last thing that the ‘powers that be’ want.

That alone,  makes me want to prove them WRONG.

We HAVE to love

I was just reading an article about dog behavior.  Most things in the world come down to animals for me, particularly dogs, but this concept struck me as a perfect example of some insight into the question that has become our national mantra: “What is wrong with people”?

Seems that puppies have these two times during their development, when a fear response can become ingrained and turn into major behavioral problems for their entire lives.  One is between 8-10 weeks and there is another 2-3 week period between 6-14 months of age.

They cited an example where a perfectly normal and well-adjusted German Shepherd pup suddenly became extremely aggressive toward other dogs.  He was fine with people, but his owner was literally afraid that he would kill another dog.

The genesis of this very serious problem was one traumatic incident: the dog and his dog buddy were wrestling around in the front yard, as they had done for months, when they got too close to the invisible fence.  The German Shepherd was shocked and immediately went after the other dog, resulting in an all-out dog fight.

From that moment, he became increasingly aggressive toward other dogs and would never play with that familiar dog again.  ONE incident of traumatic pain and fear, altered that dog’s life forever.

Let’s turn to humans.  How many incidents in our past have shaped our relationship to life?  Things that we can barely remember or that we can’t remember?  The figurative electric shock of various traumas that have been layered one on top of another since we were born.

Even though life in the United States is relatively safe, compared to many parts of the world, there is a lot of trauma going on.  Trauma for many that begins the moment they were born into a family with a history of violence or abuse.  Trauma in their neighborhood, where crime and violence were common place.  Trauma from being different and/or not fitting in.

It may not have been anything physical like an electric shock.  Maybe it was listening to the adults in our lives express fear or suspicion or flat out bigotry and hatred toward someone or some group?  Maybe it was something learned in church or from media.

Maybe it was the devastating loss of a loved one or pet or friend?   My God, the list is endless, isn’t it?

All of these incidents add up over time and in some of us, morph into destructive behaviors.  Just like the dog.  We are really no different in our conditioning, particularly when we are young and don’t have the skills to cope or analyze.

So, as we discuss the various tensions within our nation and the world, remember that humans are not machines.  We are all shaped by our environment and surroundings.

Those of us who are pet owners, know that puppies need a lot of love, attention and socialization.  Training them with abusive or fear based methods can result in aggression and that makes them dangerous.

Humans are delicate.  We are easily bruised and scarred.  We also need gentle handling, not only as babies and children, but for our entire adult lives.  Be aware of that and be aware that many of your fellow travelers carry around not only their trauma, but the trauma of their ancestors, because that stuff is passed down.

It’s so easy to see.  Look at the Middle East.  Look at the problems in our inner cities.  Look at the problems on Native American reservations. Ancestral trauma.

We all carry it around with us like a heavy, ever-present backpack. In order to begin to see others in a loving way, we must heal ourselves.  We have to release our past traumas and pain in order to open up to healing the pain of others.  Don’t discount another’s trauma. It is real.  It animates them; often in ways that are destructive to them and to our society.

Listen to these people’s fears and experiences.  Really HEAR them, without your political or religious or socio-economic filters.  It’s not just their trauma, it is all of ours and until we acknowledge and embrace that, the killing and conflict will continue.

Empathy.  Walk a moon in their moccasins, measure your words and reactions. Be kind.  We are all in pain.

Walkin’ the walk

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like writing.  In my last post, I said goodbye to my dog, Ember.  Her death was traumatic for our family and for the young man who hit and killed her.

One of the things that I preach to others is that we need to practice compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and empathy toward others, even those we don’t like or agree with.  It’s easy to tell others that they must do this in order to heal themselves and begin to heal the world. It was time for me to let the rubber meet the road and practice what is so easy to say, but not so easy to do.  A ‘healer, heal thyself’ moment I suppose.

In case you didn’t see the last post, Ember was killed in our driveway when a Fedex driver didn’t see her as she and our other dog ran toward his van.  The driver had no idea he had hit her.  He said that he saw the other dog and was looking for Ember, but it was too late.   My husband was livid.  He still is.  But, that’s his journey.

Fedex told us we could file a ‘claim’ with them.  I felt as if that was only more painful and would force us to relive the trauma.  I also knew that it was an accident.  There was no malice and although my husband claims he was going ‘too fast’, I can’t even confirm that.  I just don’t know.

I wanted to forgive and move on.  I knew that young man was suffering greatly over this.  He had always loved to see our crazy dogs greet him at the back door when he delivered packages.  He had dogs of his own.

I told my husband that he could file the claim or do whatever he felt was necessary, but I didn’t want to talk about it, or be involved.  I knew what I wanted to do; I wanted to give this young man a hug and tell him it’s okay.

You see, in the past, I would have gone over every scenario that I thought may have prevented this.  I would have beat myself up for ordering a package that had to be delivered on that day at that moment.  I knew from the tracking info that he was probably delivering something that day, so  I should have had them inside, I should have been more attentive, I should have trained her better, blah, blah, blah.

This time, my path and my practice kicked in.  First of all, the minute I heard that truck enter our long driveway, I knew what was coming.  I knew in my gut, that he was going to hit her.  I can’t explain it, I just knew.

I felt grief and shock and pain and devastation, but I didn’t feel anger.  I didn’t try to cast blame on anyone, including myself.

Shit happens. I used to hate seeing that on bumper stickers and t shirts.  It seemed so harsh and profane.  But, now I get it;  it is harsh and profane because life can be that way.  This time, despite losing something so precious to me, I understood it.  Shit just happened and I now I have to walk the walk that I talked.

I knew that I would see that driver again.  I wanted to see him again and I knew that he would dread the day that he had to make his way slowly up our driveway, knowing the pain that his action had caused.  To us and to him.

He showed up about a week later with a package for me from a friend in Denver.  I walked out onto the driveway and gave him a hug.  I asked his name and told him that it was okay.  That it wasn’t his fault and that I loved her and will miss her fiercely, but I wanted him to know that I forgave him.

He was very emotional and explained again that he just didn’t see her and that it had been a horrible week for him. He felt guilt and remorse and had gone over it a 1000 times in his mind.

And I said, “Hey. Shit happens in life.  It’s all in how we react to it and deal with it.  I forgive you and I want you to forgive yourself”.  I gave him another hug and told him to take care.

In that package was a big, beautiful, sacred crystal that is now buried in the center of my medicine wheel garden, directly over Ember.  They both face west toward Ember’s native Colorado and my sacred spaces out west.

Practice empathy. Forgiveness. Grace.  They will lift our burdens and those of others.  It’s hard when you’re hurting, but it will ease our pain.