So long to what’s not workin’…

Friday is the Spring Equinox.  A time for saying goodbye to things that are weighing you down; for leaving behind the things that aren’t working in your life.  Make a list of those items and burn them, preferably Friday.  And then move on.  I sat down and wrote this in my journal this morning, so it’s kind of stream of consciousness:

Today is the day that I am letting go of my burdens. I’ve been carrying around my sadness and loss like a huge backpack of rocks for a long time. It has weighed me down; I gained about 20 pounds and let my body go to hell carrying this junk with me. No more. I’m moving toward freedom, light, joy, renewal and all of the good stuff. Enough is enough.

I’m an optimist. I know that things work out for the best. Yes, there is a lot of pain in the world; so much suffering and some of it by people that I love, but I cannot absorb that and allow it to ruin me. I have to rise above it, see the good and the beautiful. I need more music and movement and nature and sunshine and beaches and water and walks. I want to learn to play the guitar.

I’m going to slowly let go and shut down my Jane London Facebook page. That is no longer me; I no longer need that affirmation and adoration. I will write my blog and hope that it resonates, but I won’t be obsessed with views and comments and pats on the back. It’s a beautiful thing to connect and help others. I love that people compliment my writing and I hope that I get better and keep writing, but I have to focus on what’s in front of me.

I’ve spent more time on the feelings and lives of people I barely know than on my own household. My husband is neglected and needs me. My mom needs me and I need to re-connect with my siblings in a way that isn’t about just grief and caring for my mom.

So, this is the way forward. Leave the old ways that were not working and were conspiring against my growth and happiness and freedom. In the end, I will die. Will all of the things I worried and obsessed about really matter? Some will, but most will not. I guess it could be argued that none will matter.

I will die and turn into pure energy and love. Why not try and do that while I’m here? We all have that potential, but modern life conspires to keep us burdened and scared and confined. Not me. I’ve done all of that. Freedom. Letting go. Let’s do this.

Wanna know freedom?

My husband and I were having an interesting discussion the other day about unintended consequences because that’s how we roll over our morning coffee.  Plus, it was -10 outside and we had to talk about something.

He was telling me about a hike with a friend a few weeks ago and during the course of the hike he recounted a dream he’d had about a being shoved off a cliff.  His buddy immediately altered their route to avoid any cliffs, thanks to the dream.  But, I wondered what if he had still slipped and fallen on that new path?  You never really know.  Kind of like when you get a queasy feeling before a flight and you consider changing planes.  What if you switch planes and crash or sit on the tarmac for 12 hours with no food or bathroom privileges?

Unintended consequences.  We do our best to make informed choices and yet, we still have no real control over how they turn out.  Say you decide to take a great new job with higher pay, better benefits and a shorter commute; in six months the company lays you off.  It seemed like the right choice at the time; a no-brainer and yet you may have been better off staying put.  But, how could you know?

Look back on your life.  How many times did things work out exactly as you had planned?  How many times did you see a fork in your proverbial road and take the ‘right’ one or the ‘wrong’ one? Hindsight is 20/20, but in the present, in the moment that you choose, you never really know where you’ll end up.

Your life could have been much worse; it could have been much better; it could have been equally satisfying, only different.  Kind of fascinating when you think about it.  I’ve had so many instances where I had to make a choice: this path or that one or maybe that one.  What I see with that crystal clear hindsight is this:  we really have no control over our lives.  We think we do and we strive to make good choices about our jobs, our health, our spiritual life, our kids, our relationships.  But, there are too many OTHER people and events out there, who also influence how our life plays out.  It’s the pebble in the pond analogy; so many rings, intersecting with other rings.  None of us are a single pebble, in a single pond.

I’m beginning to accept that I’m not in the safe, controlled little world that I thought that I’d created.  What occurs to me is that over the years, I’ve rolled with what life dished out.  Even though I fuss and I worry, I muddle through because I’m used to the chaos that is life.  We all are; we do it, we deal, we adapt, we bitch, we complain, we get up in the morning and face it.  It’s comforting to know that nobody’s in charge, yet everybody’s in charge.  To me, that feels like freedom.