“You Will Fail”–Love, The Universe

My husband and I were having dinner with good friends the other night.  There was lots of laughter and chatter, until one of the couples received a text from their daughter who is away at college.  She had shared some bad news. 

She did not get into an academic program that she’d been working toward for the past two years.  It was devastating for her and by extension, her parents.

We all expressed our sympathies and reviewed everything she had done to ensure her success and acceptance into this program.  Her mom told us that getting into this program was all she had planned for.  She had no idea how she would move forward.

After the initial shock wore off, we started talking about what we’ve learned from our collective disappointments.  Since all of us were over 50, we had quite a stockpile to sift through.

The bottom line:  life is a series of disappointments and successes.  That’s really what it all comes down to and when you have the luxury of looking back, you can see how many of your most devastating failures or setbacks, were actually pivotal turning points.

We all rebound from losses.  ALL of us.  Loss may ding us or make us more wary, but eventually we find a way out.  That’s how life is set up.  Time keeps flowing like a wave to carry us to the beach; sometimes gently, sometimes in a violent crash.  But, it happens.

Look back on your most painful losses or failures. Think about a time when you didn’t get something that you wanted so badly.  You asked why, felt cheated, repeated to yourself and anyone who would listen that you had done all the right things to make this happen for you.  And yet, it didn’t.  You cried out that life is unfair.

Yup.  It is.  And it’s not.  Life just is.  Life is a series of ups, downs, joy, triumph, pain, suffering, loss, victories, good meals, bad meals, cuts, scrapes, financial losses, financial gains, speeding tickets, death, destruction, natural disasters, treachery, lessons and second chances.  That’s what we get when we pop our head (or our ass, which isn’t optimal) out of the womb.

Take a moment to think back, as we did sitting around the table, to those personal moments of loss and failure.  What came into your life as a result?  The vast majority of these challenges were overcome.  So many times when we’re forced to take the fork in the road, it was a great fork.  We grew, we learned, we adapted and sometimes, we even bloomed.

Maturity, time and age really help to dull the effects of the inevitable disappointments we face.   Events that used to send me into a tailspin barely register anymore.  I know that it will work out, that l will adapt and evolve. Yes, there are still things that knock me flat on my ass like the death of my dog, Chili last fall (more on that here).  I’m still brushing myself off from that and have not quite processed the take-away.  But, I will.   With enough time.

It’s like gum on your shoe….

We’ve been in our new home in Michigan for about 6 weeks now and I love it. Love it.  Everything about it.

It’s weird because I dreaded leaving our house in Colorado.  I adored that house and even though I was ready to move to our new life, I was clinging to that house right up until the very last minute.  In fact, as I did my final walk-through, I sat down on the toilet in our master bath and bawled my eyes out.

Now that it’s in the rear view mirror, I have some thoughts on that whole clinging thing.  It’s a beautiful house.  We designed it from the ground up.  We made every decision right down to the drip edge and the door knobs.  It was mine.  It represented my success.  A beautiful custom-built, mountain home in a beautiful setting, close to a ski resort.  My American dream.  Hard to let go of that kind of symbol.

The funny thing is, I haven’t thought about that house once in the last 6 weeks.  Haven’t missed it for one second.  How can that be, when I was in such pain when I had to leave it?

Here’s what it teaches me:  letting go is the key to happiness.  Think of all of the stuff that we cling to; that we can’t imagine giving up or leaving or changing.  The stuff we hold onto is endless.  It’s hard to imagine a life without booze/job/lover/house/destructive and unhealthy habits/income/lifestyle/church/TV and the list goes on and on.

It’s like walking around with something clinging to the bottom of your shoe.  That irritating feeling when you get gum on your shoe and it sort of sticks with every other step.  You’re constantly looking down, scuffing along, trying to get that goddamned gum OFF YOUR SHOE.  That’s how clinging feels.  Distracting, annoying, nagging, sticky.

Make the change, walk away, scrape that shit off your shoe and guess what?  Life goes on. Every time I’ve made a major change in my life, it was scary and overwhelming and produced “what the hell am I thinking” nightmares, but it’s always turned out fine.  No, it’s turned out great.  I’ve grown and learned and adapted and morphed and evolved.  And I always ask myself, “What took so long?”.

Change isn’t all that scary.  It’s the thought and the planning and the worrying about change that creeps us out.  Think about something that you knew you COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT and now you do.  It could be a person or a material possession or a home or a job or an addiction.  You can live without it.  In fact, you will thrive.  You will grow.

If you’re in a situation where you’re squatting between what is and what will be, project 6 months forward and envision your life.  You’ll see that all of this is behind you and you’re in your new place on your new path.  Feel good?

It is good. You’ll love it. Change isn’t scary.  Change is life.