On starting a new phase of my life…

A few months ago, I had an overwhelming desire to get another tattoo. It came out of the blue and I’m on the record as saying I didn’t think anyone should get tattooed after age 40 and I’m well past 40.

But, suddenly it was something I had to do. So, I did. I designed a beautiful, pastel lotus blossom. I wanted a pretty, gentle tattoo.

A lotus blossom represents an awakening. The flower starts in the mud and grows up through the water to the surface, where it blooms and sits quietly on top of the water. An open, calm, welcoming symbol of acceptance.

I love this tattoo and I anoint it with shea butter every morning. I’m grateful that it speaks to me every time I see it: awaken. Let go. Be you. And that is exactly where I am.

Like the lotus, I’m opening after being tightly closed for a long time; probably a decade now and though I regret some of my behavior, it served a purpose because it brought to me this moment, where I am able to walk away from my career and into the next phase of my life.

I’ve battled alcoholism for many years and one of my strategies (that didn’t really work all that well) was to knuckle down; to be rigidly in control of my behavior. In order to function and fulfill my obligations, I said no to so many things. My job as a morning radio host was my top priority and in order to get up at 3:30 a.m. and function, I determined that I had to stick to a very rigid routine.

Strict bedtime, strict nap time, strict diet, strict exercise. Everything had to be controlled or I would go off the rails and ruin my career. People were counting on me at work, so I had to be fully in control of myself.

This spilled over into strict control of our finances. Save, save, save, save. Invest, invest, invest. I was obsessed with our money. I would sit and watch CNBC for hours, with my laptop open watching our stocks fluctuate throughout the day. Healthy, right?

I was white knuckling my whole life because I thought it would keep me sober and productive and successful. But, I ended up self-medicating with booze again. Thank God my family stepped in and I was able to see that I needed a new path and a new sobriety strategy.

That’s when I began this blog and my spiritual exploration. I’ve laid it all out over past 4-5 years with complete and sometimes uncomfortable honesty. I was the lotus bud, gestating in the mud and these years have been my journey to the surface of the water, where I now sit, open to the rest of my life.

I’ve stopped saying ‘no’ and am now embracing ‘yes’. My spiritual path has taken a mystical turn and I’m developing and exploring my intuition and spirit guides. I’m more accepting of myself and am flexible, rather that rigid.

So, I’m retiring. It’s time. There is no sadness, no regret, no fear. I’m saying goodbye to a great career that has been incredibly fulfilling and has most certainly allowed me the financial freedom to walk away at 55 and begin anew.

I have no plans, other than to just “be” for awhile. I honestly feel like I can do whatever will feed my soul and my spirit. The old me would have been completely gripped by fear at the thought of walking away from the security of a job and a paycheck.  In fact, I think I just stumbled onto my next tat: Fearless.

Be well. Be brave. Do what your spirit is telling you to do. Don’t hate your life; change it.

Intentions for a new year….

Hello 2014.

A new year is always so juicy with promise.  Even though we get a new, juicy chance every day, flipping the calendar to January 1 seems to open up a big ribbon of straight, open highway to us.

So, how about setting some intentions for the coming year.  I don’t care for the term resolutions; it seems too concrete and life is too fluid to set anything in stone on the first day of a new year.  Because if you forget or just flat-out change your mind, it feels like a failure and who needs that.

I’d like to listen to my intuition a little more.  It rarely steers me wrong, but there are times when I not only ignore that little tickle of intuitive insight, I stuff it into a ziplock bag and shove it into the deep freeze.  Intuition should not be stored or frozen;  it requires immediate attention and inspection, preferably under a very bright light and a steady, open gaze.

In order to accomplish this, I need to slow down.  To arrest my tendency to jump to conclusions.  That requires breathing, instead of acting.  When a problem or challenge arises, I like to act; to DO SOMETHING.  You, too?  Okay, so let’s be honest.  More than half of the time, I wish I’d not done what I did.  Or should that be did what I did…done.  You understand what I’m getting at.

Acting rashly to try and alleviate the pain and suffering of an irritating problem usually only makes it worse and then we have to back track.  Had I just taken a few breaths, allowed my intuition to guide me and let this problem fully present itself and unfold in it’s problematic beauty, I would realize there is probably a better solution than just ‘doing something…anything.’  You know who you are.  Let’s work on this together.

I’d like to be more compassionate.  With myself.  Period.  The late night psychic beatings need to stop.  I have a very comfortable Tempurpedic and it is for sleeping, not emotional self-flaggellation over …well, pretty much everything that I may have handled badly.  Or imagined that I handled badly.  Ever notice how our imaginations kick into high gear after 1 a.m.?

So, there are two intentions.  A good start.  Let’s not over-burden our imperfect selves with too much improvement.  We have 365 days ahead of us.  Start slowly.  Finish your coffee, change out of your jammies, eat the last of the Christmas cookies and THEN set your intentions.

 Carry on.