Stream of consciousness….

I’ve got so many things on my mind right now that I’ve felt too scattered to try and write. In fact, I’m sitting here now, just typing and hoping that something materializes that makes sense.

I’m reading 3 or 4 books at once and all seem to focus around one message, despite their divergent authors and subject matter: get in touch with you.

You, meaning the natural, authentic, ancient you. I’m kind of obsessed with a theory that the ancient peoples of the world actually knew MORE than we modern humans. They lived directly on and with the earth their entire lives. They intimately understood the natural rhythms of the seasons, the eco-system and the energy that animates us.

I feel as if we are so separate from our roots in nature, that we have lost touch with the elements of life that keep us healthy, happy and human. Most of us embrace technology as something that has greatly enhanced our lives, but the more I think about it, the less I believe it. I think we are distracted, numb and out of touch with what animates us as living, breathing organisms. The natural world is where we came from and yet we’re destroying it in the name of growth, progress, and ‘better lives’.

Yes, I’m guilty. I have all of the modern conveniences, including a giant iPhone 6 Plus, that I obsessively carry with me at all times. I have a conflicted relationship with that frickin’ phone. It contains podcasts, music, meditations and various apps that I use for fairly healthy pursuits, but it’s the email and Facebook and texting that addicts me. Every time I spend more than 20 minutes Facebooking, I hate myself. It drains me; it often depletes the spiritual work that I’ve done that day, particularly if I get sucked into some stupid self-righteous argument. And yet…I go back to it.

So, what to do? I’m seriously considering dropping the Facebook page that many of you found this blog on, but then how do I publicize Present Tense? I enjoy writing the blog, but is it time to just completely retire from public communication? Do I write because I need constant validation? Is this merely my ego striving for attention?

Last week, I went out to dinner with some girl friends and out of the blue, they all told me to never stop writing the blog; they said it gave validation to many of the feelings and struggles they were having. Then, during another discussion about my astrological chart, I was told that I was here to communicate; to talk about and share my own spiritual quest and help others along the way. Okay. Blog will continue.

So, my next phase will include a lot of rumination on how we can go backwards as humans to a time when we were in tune with our world on a much more intimate level than we are right now. Some have never lost that connection, but most of us have. The ancient people who are responsible for much of our current spiritual roots, knew much more than we give them credit for.

There is a spirit in everything and we would do well to honor them all; the trees, the rocks, the flowers, the birds, the fish, the foods we eat, etc. Many of us have pets and we have no doubt that they have spirits; we know them intimately and believe that are connected to us. Extend that connection to everything around you, including other people, no matter how hostile or annoying. Everything and everyone has a spirit and our job as residents of earth is to honor every spirit.

This may mean disconnecting and going outside more often. Touch the actual earth, rather than concrete or asphalt. Eat REAL food, that was lovingly grown. Limit the chemicals in your house and on your body. Stop believing the ‘conventional wisdom’ that is usually disseminated to control your thoughts or gain power or money for someone. Listen to your body and nurture it. Begin some sort of meditation practice. Be introspective and honest with yourself. Above all, recognize that we are all connected; everyone and everything on this planet. Even those you fear and may not understand. Don’t hate. Dig deep and begin to love more.

Choose wisely

We all have choices: darkness or light, positive or negative, glass half empty or glass half full, gratitude or victimhood. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

The past two months I chose darkness and this period made the Top 5 Most Miserable Times of My Life List. I can’t really pinpoint what is #1 on that list, since my life is ongoing, but it was right up there near the horrible pinnacle.

Everything that led up to this 60 days of darkness has been well-documented in this blog: moving, the death of my dog, a long and brutal winter, regrets, changes and then the final straw, my dad’s sudden death. In other words, life. What knocked me off my axis, was the number of life-altering events that happened over the course of about 7 months. Too much, too quickly.

I’ve gone through some miserable times before, as have all of you. We are humans, walking around on an imperfect earth with other imperfect beings and bad shit goes down for all of us. My problem is that I always assume that it’s because of something I’ve done or didn’t do; some choice that I made or action that I took, that brings the wrath down. That’s my own little self-flagellating punishment that happens and it tends to make the challenging times in my life just a little MORE challenging.

So, after about 50 days of pain and suffering, inflicted mostly by me, I began searching for a remedy. I made a choice. Being in my skin had become unbearable; the urge to drink was overpowering. I almost felt possessed, as if someone else were animating my body and mind. I needed an escape from suffering.

I asked for spiritual guidance; threw it out to the universe and it came. From various sources. People, books, podcasts, nature, stumbling into a peaceful, little metaphysical bookstore in Traverse City. I also made a business trip to Denver that got me out of my dark little place and away from the oppressive energy at home. It was as if a swirling, cleansing wind had surrounded me, sweeping away the smothering black cloud.

That was when something clicked. I woke up, not feeling dread, but feeling whole and open and hopeful. I re-started my yoga practice that had been dormant for months, I finalized the end of a long-term commitment and was able to see clearly into my future with a sense of buoyancy, I heard the morning bird songs and was happy, rather than terrified to slog through another day. This all seems melodramatic, I know, but it’s true. And I’m so grateful.

The whole idea of asking the universe for help has been proven true for me. I reached out in a time of darkness and so many sent blinding light my way. I’m tanned, rested and ready to bloom again. Thank you to those who came to my rescue. Thank you to me, for opening up and basking in that glow and allowing that energy into my life.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t blame yourself when bad things happen. We have choices that are in front of us every single second, of every single day. Feel your pain; surrender to it and then look around for the help and the grace that is always there for us. It could come from nature, church, people, animals, art, music, exercise, meditation; whatever speaks to you, find it. Go there. Life is hard, it really is and anyone who says otherwise is a big, fat liar. Find your light and go toward it.

 

Who’s happy? Me

I’m told that the best blogs are short and to the point.  So, as I was sitting outside on a glorious northern Michigan day, I began to list the things that make me happy.

I don’t do that often.  I tend to ruminate on the things that make me unhappy or worried or nervous or anxious.  You know; stuff that will never happen.

So, when I mentally noted that hummingbirds make me blissfully happy, my list began.  Here is an incomplete list of the things that make me happy:

–Watermelon

–Big, old trees

–Watching my dogs swim (this would actually be under the “things that delight me” category)

–A light breeze

–Anything written by Anne Lamott

–Sun on my face

–Early Saturday mornings

–Sitting around a fire

–Eating something that is freshly picked

–Silence

–The first snowfall (actually almost any snowfall)

–Fleece…anything made of fleece

–My husband’s laugh

–Christmas lights.  Lots of them.

–A fresh coat of paint

–Seat warmers

–Completing a task

–A hug from someone that you’ve really, really missed

I feel better. Uplifted, renewed, refreshed, grateful, content.  Now, make yours.  It doesn’t have to be exhaustive or noble or a list of what you think should make you happy.  Be genuine.  Feel free to share in the comments.

Certified Organic Human

I just spent 45 minutes picking wild black-raspberries behind our house.  Not thinking, just picking.  Wild raspberries require long pants, long sleeves and patience.  The bushes are nestled into the other brush and the thorns are not helpful.  Nature doesn’t plunk our food into nice, little, easy-to-grab containers.  Nature asks for a commitment.

There are tons of berries left to be harvested over the next couple of weeks and that’s fine with me.  Picking berries is my zen task for now.  I’m up for it.  We are finally settled at our farm, learning so much so quickly about some of the new things in our life.

We have an orchard with about 40 apple trees.  In the past, they’ve been cared for with pesticides and insecticides, but we are going to grow our apples via organic means.  Seems simple and well, organic, right?  It’s not.  We’re learning that it’s quite complicated to grow decent fruit, minus the toxic pest control.  But, we only need enough for us and the friends who’d like to share our apples, so we’ll sacrifice bounty for quality.

Organic farming is a long-term commitment.  It’s an entire eco-system that must be nurtured and developed; a 5 to 10 year plan.  Something we just don’t have time for in the modern world of instant gratification, where bigger and more is better.

Pastured chickens and lambs fertilize the crops.  Flowers are planted to bring in bees and useful insects.  The animals and crops are rotated to allow the land to replenish.  It’s a lot of work and planning and for the first few years, there is very little return on this investment.  A commitment.

So, how does this apply to all of us?  It’s worth pondering what commitment you’re making to your health and happiness.  We live in a culture of quick, fast, simple, no effort and we all know in our hearts and minds that there really is no quick fix for anything that’s important.

We are organic.  We require time and effort and patience and diligence to fully flower; nurturing our health, wellness, happiness and growth is a commitment.  Every day.  Stop with the excuses.  “I’ll lose weight when…I’ll save money when…I’ll look for a new job when…I’ll stop drinking when…I’ll take care of myself when…I’ll be nicer to people when…”

You don’t really know when ‘when’ is, do you?  I’ll tell you. It’s now.  Start.  Make a commitment and take pleasure in the nuturing; in the process.  In all honesty, there is never an end.  Forget goals, think now.  Start the process and let it unfold.

Follow nature.