2020 Reimagined

One of those mornings.  Feeling a bit trapped, stilted and restrained.

So, I have to be honest with myself and understand that nobody is restraining me, specifically; it’s my own perceptions.

I’m seeing a lot of complaining and gallows humor about how ‘awful’ 2020 is. How punishing and whacky and off kilter this year has been.

The perception of this ‘year’ (I prefer era or transition because we’re only in the first few innings of this) that I’m trying to foster, internally and personally is this:

What if we we look back in 5, 10, 20 years and realize that 2020 was the year we awakened to some things that we’d been asleep to.

What if this year, that we are all slogging through together, is the year that we FINALLY become conscious of so many things that had been undercurrents of our lives and society for a very long time.

It’s totally plausible that the reason for our fear, anger, outrage, confusion, etc is because we are being forced to see and feel things that we’ve kept buried.

We have 240 years of history, some that isn’t all that glorious, that we’ve been afraid to look at, speak of and accept due to denial, shame, group think and our own inherent need to go along with the conventional wisdom.

Or because we are members of one of the various groups that have not really been allowed a voice or full participation.

OR because we are members of the more elevated and privileged groups who don’t have to worry about the struggles, disenfranchisement or oppression of others.

My writing over the past 3-5 years has pointed to this moment. I warned that all of our institutions were on shaky ground and many are literally crumbling.

Financial, economic, educational, military, health care, GOVERNMENT, political, agriculture, media and on and on. All are failing us.

So, they must fail or evolve, so that we can SEE and then begin to reform and re-work them for a new era. One that is more equitable for everyone, rather than the protected classes.

That is what 2020 is ushering in. And yeah…watching everything that we THOUGHT was true, proven wrong, corrupt, murderous, wasteful, damaging, lethal and horribly manipulated by wealthy, powerful interests is shocking.

So, instead of complaining or deriding 2020 as some crazy anomaly that we will recover from and go back to ‘normal’, begin to shift your perspective into what is REALLY happening. Question your beliefs, behaviors, opinions, actions.

Normal is highly overrated and highly dangerous and corrosive to our well being and our nation.

Grow up says The Divine/Cosmos/God, ’cause we won’t let up until you do.

Hello 2021: Phase 2

Change….sucks

Change.  One of the foundational principles of this blog.  Embrace it.  It’s inevitable. It’s part of life.  It’s…completely kicked my ass for the last 6 months.

Change.  I craved it.  Wished for it. Set it in motion.  Did it.  Now, I’ve got a little buyer’s remorse.  I have to be honest and face it.

We sold our beautiful home in Fraser, CO last May and moved to a 10 acre farm in northern Michigan.  A place where neither one of us had spent all that much time.  Where we had only a few friends and no real social support structure.  We figured that we could build that out in time.

It’s not that easy.  The farm takes more time, money and sweat than we anticipated.  When you don’t have kids, meeting people in a new place is a bit more difficult.  Then, the dog got sick, really sick and died.  We didn’t know the vets very well; we didn’t have the help and support of our friends and neighbors, as we would have in our old life.  A very difficult transition.

So, I got my change alright.  Much more change that I had planned for.  There’s that planning thing again.  Seems like I’d get the message, but I don’t.  You probably have been whipsawed by the inevitable evolution of life, too.  We shake our fist at the universe and shout ‘this isn’t how it was supposed to be’.

We set things in motion and sometimes we can’t stop or control where we go.  It’s like putting a rowboat into a river and realizing you only brought one paddle.

So, you have to adapt and you have to let go.  Let go of a lot of stuff; mostly regrets and ‘what ifs’.  Our remaining dog Junior has been a little melancholy since he lost his dog buddy.  As I roused him out of bed this morning for his breakfast, I looked at my husband and said “Junior and I are in the same place.  We miss our old life”.

Our old life where we knew our neighbors.  When Chili was still with us.  When were in familiar surroundings with our social support group firmly in place.  Where we could call for help and see a friendly face.

We’re going through a form of grief.  Grieving what was and not embracing what is.  I know I’ve preached and written and nagged about this, but when the rubber hits the road, it’s freakin‘ hard to put into practice.

So, I must remind myself that this change was implemented for a reason.  We’re closer to family, close to the water, we can grow our own food, we’ve downsized, we have no mortgage, we have some new friends who have been wonderful and helpful and compassionate, we live in a beautiful place in a vibrant community.  More ‘saying my gratefuls’, less pining for our ‘old life’.

Change is hard.  Change is life.  Embrace life.  Even when it hurts.

Go ahead….leap

We are settling into our new home.  Actually, settling takes a while.  We are unpacking our new life.  Truthfully, it kind of feels as if we are unpacking our old life, in the new place.  Thankfully, we still need a lot of stuff from our old life.

Even though this house is smaller and not as nice as the last one, I feel comfortable here and though I’ve never lived in northern Michigan before, it feels familiar.  I keep running across fellow graduates of Central Michigan University.  Today, I discovered that my AT&T rep not only went to CMU, but his wife is from my home town and graduated from the same high school that I did.

That may seem silly, but it means something to me.  I blend in, yet have no real history in this area.  A clean slate.

When I announced that I was leaving Colorado, but not leaving my job, I was kind of surprised at the response from some folks who listen to my radio show.  I’ve been on the Dom and Jane Show in Denver for over 14 years, meaning that a two-way bond has formed, so I should have seen it coming.

I’ve always prided myself on being honest on the radio.  I don’t hold back; my reactions and conversations on the air are real.  I’m not an actress or playing some ‘role’ that was constructed for me.  What you hear, is what you get.

So, when I laid out my honest reasons for moving:  a need to be closer to my elderly parents and to satisfy my husband’s wishes to move back to the Midwest and his family, I wasn’t prepared for the reactions that ranged from sadness to anger to subtle accusations of abandonment.

At first, I was feeling a tiny bit angry that everyone wasn’t as happy as I was.  I had made a very personal decision about my life and when I shared it publicly, I didn’t quite feel supported.

But, I get it now.  Since it was a choice about my life and my goals and my needs, it really doesn’t matter what others might think or need or wish for me.  The bottom line is that’s why I made this change.  For me. For my family.  For my life.

And that’s the lesson, isn’t it?  You can’t live for other people, even if they rely on you to entertain them or make them think or accompany them on their morning commute.

I love my job, which is why I will continue to do it, from an extra bedroom at my new home 1500 miles away from my old home.  That bond still exists.  It doesn’t matter WHERE we connect from, but only that we connect.  We live in a mobile world and yet we are probably MORE connected than we’ve ever been.  Granted, much of that connection might be through technology, via media or social networking, but that’s us in 2013.

So, if you’re feeling the urge to break away from your comfort zone; if you are standing on a cliff, struggling to make a leap to something new that is tugging at your soul.  Do it.  People will cling and try to talk you out of it.  They will make it about them, when it’s really about you.  Stay true to you.  Do it for you.  They’ll adapt and maybe they’ll be inspired by your courage.  Go on.  Leap.