Dear Future: Leave me alone…

 

I was recently cruising at 30,000 feet on my way to Traverse City where we hope to eventually start the next phase of our life and I jotted down some of my thoughts as I headed to our new farm house.  Stream of consciousness; no editing.  I learn more that way….

While talking to a neighbor the other day, she asked me if I ever regretted building the house in Fraser and without one second’s hesitation, I told her no.  How many people can live in such a beautiful place just a few miles from a fabulous ski resort?

In a place where moose roam the neighborhood and the summers are full of glorious sunshine and wild flowers.

It’s a place where people look out for each other, due to the sparse population and the difficult terrain and weather.  I’m so grateful for where we live and for the past 13 years in Colorado.

As I rode the airport shuttle up and over the pass answering questions about our magical home from the visitors sharing the van, I had such a pang of sadness.  How do you leave such a place?

Why do you leave such a place?  My fantasy of living in northern Michigan is still just that; a fantasy.  I’m on my way to a home and homestead that I don’t know.  I’ve spent much more time there emotionally than physically, so I guess the next 10 days will be a step toward confirming or moderating that fantasy.

I’ve already mentally moved in and yet, I barely know how to get there or where the property lines are.  What is going on?

I have a tendency to live in the future; whether it’s my restless mind that can’t wait until my 20 minute meditation is up or my visualization of a future that features a new home 1500 miles away.  I have no idea why I do that and I’ve fought mightily not to, but  I suppose there is some comfort in believing I have a future to look forward to.

Some call it ‘wishing your life away’ and maybe that’s why I have found that my memories of the past 20 or 30 years are so opaque.  They almost seem like they are the memories of another person.  Was that really me?

Is it because in the midst of living today, I’m constantly projecting forward?  How do you imprint memories if you aren’t fully ‘there’, living them?

So, here I am flying toward what I envision as my future, yet I’m feeling some pangs of something.  Regret? Sadness?  I don’t live in the past, but it dawns on me that in terms of days, months and years, my past outweighs my future and that imbalance between past and future will only continue to grow.

So, the question is:  do I need to choose my next move carefully or with reckless abandon?

I’m a thinker and a planner and yet I’m flying toward a second home that I spent less than an hour touring before I bought it.  My reptilian mind or my inner compulsive teenager took over for a reason, so there must be a lesson here.

I’ll be keeping my eyes wide open for the next 10 days.

Yin vs Yang

I’m conflicted.  Who isn’t, right?  There is a rumble going on between my inner hippie and my inner advocate.  At this point, the IH is winning.  The problem is, the IH wants to pick up and move to Traverse City, Michigan and live on a lake or a few acres that we can farm.  At the moment, that is somewhat impractical.

My inner advocate can live anywhere and in fact, with the internet at my fingertips, can assert herself constantly (as she is doing right now, writing this blog).  She worries and frets about current events, politics, the human condition, religious hypocrites, gay marriage, intrusive government and animal welfare.  She rants, writes, yaps on the radio and has been the dominant feature of my persona for years.  But, I can feel her shrinking, bit by bit, day by day.

It’s funny, but many women my age are just getting to know their inner advocate and allowing her to have a voice.  They’re speaking up, getting informed and involved and starting to finally ‘call bullshit’ on what they don’t like.  My personality and media career have always allowed and encouraged me to be outspoken and opinionated; in fact it’s been a requirement for many years.  Maybe it’s time for my IA to retire or at least, ratchet back to part-time status.

My inner hippie is my more holistic, spiritual side that has been somewhat dormant for most of my life, other than an occasional flutter here and there.  Now that she’s starting to flower, it’s invigorating and I feel like she needs room to grow. I suppose that the hippie and advocate can live side by side in harmony, but balance is something that I’ve never quite mastered.  I’m kind of an all or nothing gal; which has served me well professionally and in my quest for learning and knowledge, but it is probably also responsible for some of my failures.  The old saw,  “everything in moderation” isn’t even in my lexicon.

One way to handle this is to allow the inner advocate to advocate for a kinder, gentler, healthier lifestyle. I’ve noticed that more and more of my posts and opinions are moving in that direction.  My political views are moderating, softening a bit .  I no longer see things in black and white, Republican vs. Democrat terms.  My tribe vs. the other tribe.  The key is for all of us to quit relying on politicians to solve our problems, particularly since it’s obvious that they can’t and they won’t.  It’s time for a truce and to realize that each and every one of us is responsible for our own happiness and success, however you define that.

My inner hippie is kinder and more forgiving than my inner advocate; she is more willing to see the other side of an argument, more open to other viewpoints.  She believes that much of modern life, while convenient, isn’t always better or healthier or more fulfilling.  If I allow her to blossom and grow, then I think that she’ll have a positive effect on my inner advocate.  Perhaps they will meld into a more productive and evolved ‘me’.

So, the battle rages for now.  I’m back to daily meditation and gentler work-outs.  I’m eating whole, organic foods, listening to my body, getting enough sleep. The inner hippie and inner advocate will eventually work things out and move forward in harmony.  Mind follows body or body follows mind?  To be continued……